September 28, 2009

• Reminders
  

  People who have children have reminders running around all the time. Even if they don't see them often after they are grown and living lives of their own. Having no children has never bothered me. On the other hand there are a number of people who have told me I was their first spiritual teacher. That makes me kind of cringe when I hear it. It's not that I don't respect the person's perception or memory. It's more like I cringe at the reminder of my falling shorts. Yeah, I said it that way on purpose. If I don't laugh at it once in a while I'd cry and it's not good to cry all the time. Today I looked up someone from my past on facebook and found him. I've had NO luck finding people on facebook. Either I can't remember their full name or I just can't remember. Having lived in and worked in many different places and known quite a few people over the years makes for a number of memories. Not all of them are good. The thing about hindsight is that you're looking from who you are now, not who you were then. You're looking at who you were then and if you've been even partly diligent about a spiritual path who you are when you're looking back is very different from who you are looking at across the years. All the rationale is available to me. You were young, you did your best, no one is perfect and all the other things that sound like blah, blah, blah, blah, blaaah. You have to read that with the right meter. If you're not musical you may have missed it. It's not that I regret my life. I don't. I don't like how I treated people in the past. To think about it is painful to me and I don't care to become calloused to avoid the pain. My spiritual training reminds me to let it be and remain equanimous. Man, I'm tryin'.

  The fellow I found on facebook was someone I'd met shortly after moving to California in 1975. His girlfriend brought him to one of my meetings and he kept coming back. We became friends and shared many wonderful times together. We supported each other through hard times and rejoiced with each other during happy times. He's the one reminded me today that I was his first spiritual teacher. Another person from the same time period had said the same thing some years ago. Fortunately, she had treated me worse than I had treated her so I had no lingering memories of things I needed to clean up with her. All I needed to do was tell her I loved her. Not so with the guy today. I did get to tell him that I thought of him often and loved him always. Then there was the apology that he graciously accepted. He didn't remember me treating him in the same way I remembered. How could he? He doesn't live inside my mind and heart. I do. Perhaps some of what I taught those many years ago made an impact on him. He is forgiving and I can't think of anything I would like people to learn more than that. It says about everything because you have to see who you are first before you can easily forgive. It's a matter of being willing to consider the other person with your own imperfections in mind. For a long time it seemed to me I was forgiving and when it comes to other people I probably am. At least much more forgiving of them than I am of myself. Sound familiar? I know I'm not the only one. There's an army of us out here.

  Please don't see this as a fishing expedition. Nothing you can say about me is going to change my mind about me. As our dear friend, Popeye used to say, I yam what I yam. Part of this spiritual path is to learn to know yourself. It wasn't that long ago I thought I did know myself. Boy, was I ever wrong. Another thing he said at which I cringed was, you're the guy who tells it like it is. During my afternoon meditation that came up and I heard that voice in my head that I used to call me say, God I'm so sick of myself. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? I don't mean somebody famous or rich or important. Not someone else like that. Just not you, or better yet, no one. I want to be nobody, nothing, no self because all I can see that a self does is separate itself from others and cause pain and needless misery. The horror of it is that we don't really have to do anything to cause all the misery. The whole idea that we're not one is pretty miserable. If it sounds like I'm whinging, well, maybe I am a little. What I think I'm trying to do is process this so I can get on with my life. It would also be nice if you thought about it a little and then maybe thought it would be a good idea for you to be a little more loving, forgiving and generous.
  

  • 6:18 pm
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