October 1, 2009

• Old
  

  Though not much appreciated in modern American society there are some advantages to growing older, apart from the moronic discounts available to seniors. Yes, I'm a senior now, though you'd never know it. I remember how annoying it was being carded when I was young. Now no one will believe I'm sixty-two, well, except for young people who recoil at the sight of a lined face, graying hair and body obviously past the ancient age of thirty. The curious case of Benjamin Button. We end the way we start. Bald, wrinkled and incapable of attending to our own basic needs. The golden years, whatever they may be, are not for sissies. All the mistakes of our youth have lodged themselves deeply into our bodies and serve as reminders of just how foolish the arrogance of youth can make us behave. Yes, well, we've now talked about the uncomfortable parts of aging but that's not all there is to it. I suspect there are few people who have learned anything worth learning over the years who would wish to go back and relive their teen years. I certainly would rather not face those years again. Especially with what I know now. What are these supposed advantages? Well, there's humility if one has played one's cards rightly. Humility may not be something much valued in our youth but in our later years it takes on a value far beyond anything material. It's a rite of passage that opens the door to things that we could never understand properly and fully in our youth.

  Lately I am more free to love than ever I was in my youth. Oh, I loved but it wasn't love. It was more psychological masturbation that focused on self and how the other made one feel. If this is still a foreign language to you, regardless of your physical age, there's nothing more I can tell you. If, on the other hand, you have relatively few physical years but some understanding of the selfishness of what we call love, no explanation is necessary. When I was a younger man being a nice guy wasn't something to be worn with pride. Being sweet was probably even worse. Somehow it was lacking the necessary testosterone to embrace readily. On the other hand, if it gave us a chance to score sexually, well hell, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. When the testosterone finally begins to diminish and reason is allowed to arise everything begins to change. Though it may seem repugnant to us early on it is welcome later. It's like death I suppose. One of the most astounding things I ever read in the Bible was, And in those days men will seek death and will not find it; they will long to die and death flees from them (Rev. 9:6). That's scary if you get it. I don't mean scary in a fearful way but rather in an awe inspiring way that can only come from a deep understanding of life.

  Yes, I can be sweet now. I'm able to be a fool without feeling as ashamed about it. It's okay to be soft and yielding without suffering a loss of face or manhood. There's a shift that occurs inside us if we did it right. The shift is from an outer, five senses centered life to an inner centered life that exists with an entirely different set of values. I like it. Oh, that doesn't mean I'm thrilled about dragging around this broken body that was abused and battered by the insanity of my youth. What it does mean is that at this point in the journey the scales have tipped and the balance is bearable. I know it won't always be like this and one day I will welcome death with an open heart and a smile on my face. The Grim Reaper will be someone I will welcome, if I've done it right. What is it I want to say? Nothing really. Just that I am enjoying being able to be more vulnerable and available.

  
  

  • 7:29 pm
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