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  • Still Here?

    Still Here?

     

    What's up with this? I thought Xanga bit the dust. No? No one ever tells me anything. At least I'm familiar with WordPress so it's not a complete ice water bath. I'm guessing I still won't have much to say and even fewer people to whom I'll be saying it. Pardon me while I look around and see what can be done with all this.

    Oh, hi!

  • Punctiliousness

    Punctiliousness


    It's not the words so much as the hidden meanings they hold in which I take a sublime pleasure. Some of my associates consider that I live the life of a monk. Passersby may look at the temporary vehicle used for physical conveyance and remark on its beauty. These two extremes are in the eyes of the beholders, though I do recognize that I drive a nice car. The truth is I made the purchase a long time ago and probably wouldn't do it again. It's easier for me to be a renunciant if I don't put things in my name. That way the title to the car doesn't enslave me in entitlement.

    Can there be any anchor more effective in stopping internal progress than our right to ourselves? It's the compost in which our negative emotions grow, thrive and bear abundant fruit--the fruit of violence. Perhaps I've written before that Buddha in his discourse on lovingkindness said, Live lightly with few duties. The reason I say it so often is because it's a foundational ingredient to a life of peace. He starts off his discourse by saying, To reach the state of peace . . .People talk about peace and usually mean the cessation of war or conflict of some kind. Peace isn't a place outside ourselves but an inner state that must be reached, attained and then inhabited with gratitude or it will be as fleeting as peace on earth. I'm not saying there is such a thing as peace on earth. I can't remember a time when the world was at peace. The best we do is contain the conflicts between nations. Now we put a rope around the ring and hope the violence and hatred will not spill outside of it. It's a step I suppose and a step is all an infant learning to walk can take in the beginning. The price of peace is generally too high for modern man. Monks have peace. Renunciants have peace but only if they have genuinely given up their right to themselves. It's a very difficult path if done from the outside-in rather than the inside-out. A woman sat in my office yesterday and told about the latest spiritual fad that has attracted her attention and admiration. Having known her for nearly twenty-five years and watched her toy with one discipline after another it was easy to contain my excitement. I didn't have any. This was just another thing. You see, she is punctilious (showing great attention to detail or correct behavior). Stupidly I said something about it. As any good punctilious person will do she smilingly demurred on the outside while she violently objected on the inside. It's like I said last time, sometimes we're not ready to grasp the truth.

    When I was a child there was a film titled, I Led Two Lives. It was about a transvestite who revealed his secret to his unsuspecting financee. The two lives that we all lead are the inner and outer life. We have the side with which we face the world and a darker, internal side that rarely sees the light of day or consciousness. Amazingly we often buy our own facade and defend it even internally to ourselves. It's because when you tell a lie long enough people start to believe it. We are people and we believe our own lies. If there is no light to see the difference between the truth and a lie there's no way to become aware of the difference. Even if we do get some light inside it's very difficult to face something that goes against years of crystalized belief, habit and the attitudes they manifest. There can be no lasting change on the outside until there is first a change that takes place on the inside. It's not enough to change because we so quickly change back to what is familiar because it is more comfortable, habitual, established and agreeable. An inner change requires outer adjustments as well as inner adjustments. Many otherwise sincere people turn back when they face resistance from their friends and family after making a substantial inner change. We must take into account what an inner change is going to cost us and assess if we are ready and willing to pay the price both inwardly and outwardly. When Gandhi gave up his lucrative law practice and wealth his wife, Kasturabai, did not object when he failed to set aside any part of it for the use of herself and their children. It seems to me the more diffiult part of his decision was what his ideals might have meant to his wife and children. It takes courage to change. It's much easier to be punctilious.

     

  • Sometimes

    Sometimes

    There are times when I'm meditating that I can't tell the difference between lives. I'm not talking about reincarnation, past lives and all that jazz. It's this life that we're living now. We say it's a life but it's really many lives all run together. In a sense each day is a life. I reckon we could break it down further and say each moment is a life. It goes the other way too. Each week, month, year, decade, etc. This is something that I think is unique with the human animal. It appears to me other animals can meditate or get into altered states of consciousness. They probably can't do it on command. For that matter we probably can't either. At least not the run of the mill we. So I was meditating this morning and I remembered all these dogs that I've had over the years. The hard part was I remembered some things about each of them that brought up regret. I did things then that I wouldn't do now. I don't think I was ever out and out cruel to an animal but some of the things I did that I didn't think were cruel then I think are cruel in this present life. The odd thing is I don't feel that way about most people. I do, however, feel that way about my teachers. No matter how much I loved and respected them then it was not enough now, in this present life that I'm living today, this morning. It's not morning now. At least not here where I sit as I type this.

    So, what's the big deal? Nothing. Everything. It's not a big deal and it is a big deal. It's a realization and a realization should be a big deal even if it's not because it's new light, new understanding. The problem with new understanding is it makes everything that went before it different. It may not be any different but we can never see it the same way again as long as we understand differently. Over here, in my world, understanding is very important. It's the greatest force we can create in ourselves. I didn't think of that all by myself and say it. Someone else said it. The truth is a strange thing. We don't invent it or own it. We discover it. Thousands, maybe even millions, have discovered it before us, but it's not ours until we discover it for ourselves. That doesn't stop us from thinking it is ours just because we recognized it when someone else said it. Recognizing is not the same as realizing. To recognize means to know again, to recall to mind. We can recognize a memory but that memory may not be the truth. To realize, however, is to become fully aware of something; to understand clearly. If it seems like I'm splitting hairs or getting hung up on semantics there's a reason for that. Over the past forty years I have been in the business of trying to communicate the incommunicable. It's a really tough job if you take it seriously, and I do. Not serious as a heart attack, but I do see it as serious as life and death.

    We don't understand each other because we don't have the same meanings for words. We all imagine we do but it's evident from life that no one in the world understands anyone else in the world. It's why it can be such a violent place. History is one long war punctuated by brief spells of peace. We don't usually see it that way but when we begin to look at it more objectively we see that we are an incredibly violent species. The jury is still out on whether we're going to wipe the planet clean of life with nuclear fire. Some have already decided but that's their opinion until it happens. Then it will be what's so. Until then it's still up in the air. There's still hope. Is there really hope? Probably not but that doesn't matter because we need hope. The better quality hope is preferred but almost any hope will do in a pinch. Low quality hope is like dirty water. It's better than no water at all if you're dying of thirst. Sometimes I feel regret for who I was and what I did. I try to remember that a little every day. It helps me to remember not to do that again, not because the regret is so bad but because I really want to live by the understanding I have today. I told someone the other day that I loved them. I don't think they believed me. You see, love is a function of who we are, not what or who the other person is. When we begin to understand who we are and why we're here we are without excuse. We love them because they're there, not because they're lovable. After we understand that sometimes we get it and sometimes we don't. We never get it until after we begin to understand it.

     

  • Requests

    Requests

    First of all I'm not here enough to have anyone send me a friend request.

    Secondly, I'm not friendly (kind and pleasant) and because I'm not friendly I don't make a good friend.

    I'm a little suspect of anyone who would want to have me as a friend. Most of the people who have ever known me in physical life have left mightily pissed off while pretending they weren't. The rest left without the pretense. I actually got an email from one of them today. Here's the dagger in the heart: Thanks for everything you taught me. *owie* Come off it. We don't like people who teach us until we grow up and we don't grow up until we learn. Then what? We leave the people who teach us because we already know everything we want to know? Nope. We learned so much from them that they don't have anything to teach us anymore. Yeah, right. The whole time they were teaching us they weren't learning anything themselves. They had stopped all forward progress so we'd have the chance to pass them by and be way smarter than them.I was in a store yesterday. Standing in line. Because that's what people do in stores this time of year. There was this little guy sitting in a shopping cart in front of me. He was with what was probably his mother. She wasn't there. He, on the other hand, was so completely present that it brought me crashing into the present moment with a rush of light, love and peace that took away my breath. Because I'm not a good friend I ignored everyone in the store who wasn't there and selfishly spent every moment with the little guy who was. He was love and peace incarnate. Why? Because we hadn't had a chance to ruin him completely by making him like us, teaching him our ways, as it were.

    Apparently, it's such a busy time of year no one else even knew this little guy was there. Not even his mother. Oh, she knew she had a child, but she didn't know who he was. She thought he was her son. Hell, he could have been her guru. He was certainly mine for the moment. I could have bowed before him and kissed his lotus feet but he wouldn't have cared. He was teaching me by being not by doing. His eyes were luminous pools of dark brown light. He was so full of peace it radiated from him like a one hundred thousand watt radio station broadcasting a beacon of serenity. His mother, tuned in to some other station, picked him up and his little head dodged from one shoulder to the other to keep me entranced in his eyes. We think love looks like something we know so we miss it when it comes to us. It's hiding in plain sight and we're too enchanted by the glitter to notice. He was my friend and I was his.

     

  • Festive

    Festive

    Xmas09

    Ask and you will receive, sometimes. You may not always get what you asked for and that's the good news.

  • Blank

    Blank

     

    I was gonna say something because it's been so long since I've said anything here. What's there to say that you'd be interested in hearing? Mostly, what I do isn't of much interest to people outside of intellectual curiosity or intellectual entertainment. Having almost completely given up being entertaining on purpose I find myself blissfully blank.

    Much love to those who wish it. Try to enjoy the season instead of have the season eat you for it's seasonal snack. Not that you wouldn't be completely yummy.

  • Bloody
    Back in the mid seventeenth century the Brits began using bloody to add emphasis to an expression of uncertain origin, but is thought to have a connection with the "bloods" (aristocratic rowdies) of the late seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries; hence the phrase bloody drunk (as drunk as a blood) meant very drunk indeed. After the mid eighteenth century until quite recently, bloody used as a swearword was regarded as unprintable, probably from the mistaken belief that it implied a blasphemous reference to the blood of Christ, or that the word was an alteration of "by Our Lady"; hence widespread caution in using the term even in phrases such as bloody battle merely referring to bloodshed.

    In America today you can be on the bleeding edge which refers to the expense of buying electronic technology when it first comes out, before the prices drop due to higher production. From bloody being a swear word to the curse of being on the bleeding edge may seem like a big leap but in my mind the two are connected with an interesting phenomenon I've observed over the past forty or so years in my own life. Just a moment ago I had my wife a small digital video camera I've had for years. Video has fascinated me for over thirty years and I've owned VHS video cameras and recorders since when they were two separate units right up to video camcorders that are smaller than the original VHS tapes were. The advances in technology have been extensive and expensive. I know. I've thrown out useless cameras that no one wanted for which I'd paid several times the high end prosumer camcorders. The cost of being on the bleeding edge. When I came back from my first extended stay in Guatemala where I was learning Spanish in a total immersion school my wife was going to her first industry show where she had a booth and some pattern packets to sell. During the show I walked around looking at what people we doing and selling. When I got back I told her there was going to be a lucrative future in making and selling instructional videos and offered to make them for her. In her defense it was her first show and she was in overwhelm with all there was to do. Perhaps that's why the suggestion was batted back at me. Did I say batted back? It was more like it was shot out of a cannon. I never mentioned it again.

    A few years ago Connie asked me to shoot, edit and produce an instructional video for her about painting roses. Of course I did it. Now it's time for a new one and she's looking to buy a camera so she can capture video of herself painting and explaining what she's doing. Naturally I offered to let her use one of the video cameras I have. She received the suggestion much better this time. It's only taken her a few days to collect the camera to give it a try this time. If you learn nothing else from being married to the same person for over twenty-seven years you may learn patience and forbearance. It's not always easy but it can be done with persistent effort. There are a number of steps through which we usually pass before we can accept something new. To be on the bleeding edge and know what is going to work before others know can be painful. No wonder they call it the bleeding edge. Bloody hell!

  • Quitting
    Most folks who know something about me wouldn't call me a quitter. My wife would, but she wouldn't mean it in the way we may think of it. She would say she'd never met anyone in her life who could quit something as quickly, and to her, as easily as I have and do. She tried for years to quit smoking. It was impossible for her to quit and stay quit. Until she did it. She won't smoke again. I know because I know how to quit things like that. It's all a mind game. You have to know how your mind works and then use it to your advantage. She learned that, at least in the area of smoking. The way she sees me isn't the way I see me, but then I'm not her, or you for that matter. I'm not really me either. How I know that is because the me that I know has changed so many times it's hard to keep track. Pretty much, I've quit xanga. The other day I deactivated my facebook account. It was time. What I needed to get from facebook I got. I connected up with a couple of people I knew over thirty years ago. Drove to Arizona to spend a few days with one of them and reconnect with a very important part of my past that I'd quit. The truth appears to be I wasn't ready then but perhaps I am now. If not I'll quit again. Mark Twain said, It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it hundreds of times. That may not be exact but it's the idea that really matters if the idea is what you wish to convey. Not being a bean counter I don't get caught up in the semantics so much. I want the distilled essence of what the man meant. It's the bottom line that matters most to me. Not in the same way as once it did but still, it's the bottom line I want. Today I'm not willing to push someone aside to get it. That's not the way it's always been. I quit that.

    The thing is I don't really quit. I stop. There's a difference. Stopping is different from quitting because when you stop you can start again. When you quit you're saying you're not going to do that again. It doesn't work for most people because the mind receives it as a challenge and we don't have that kind of control over our minds. It will win nine out of ten times. Maybe even ninety-nine out of a hundred times. If you stop it's softer and the mind doesn't feel as pushed around, challenged and so it doesn't react by flexing it's considerable muscle. We imagine we can control our minds but that's only because we've never really observed ourselves doing it. It's like seeing a video of yourself dancing or hearing a recording of yourself singing for the first time. It can be quite a shock to see that what we do isn't what we think we do. Why am I writing this? I don't know. I'm going to quit now. Or should I say stop?

  • Old
    Though not much appreciated in modern American society there are some advantages to growing older, apart from the moronic discounts available to seniors. Yes, I'm a senior now, though you'd never know it. I remember how annoying it was being carded when I was young. Now no one will believe I'm sixty-two, well, except for young people who recoil at the sight of a lined face, graying hair and body obviously past the ancient age of thirty. The curious case of Benjamin Button. We end the way we start. Bald, wrinkled and incapable of attending to our own basic needs. The golden years, whatever they may be, are not for sissies. All the mistakes of our youth have lodged themselves deeply into our bodies and serve as reminders of just how foolish the arrogance of youth can make us behave. Yes, well, we've now talked about the uncomfortable parts of aging but that's not all there is to it. I suspect there are few people who have learned anything worth learning over the years who would wish to go back and relive their teen years. I certainly would rather not face those years again. Especially with what I know now. What are these supposed advantages? Well, there's humility if one has played one's cards rightly. Humility may not be something much valued in our youth but in our later years it takes on a value far beyond anything material. It's a rite of passage that opens the door to things that we could never understand properly and fully in our youth.

    Lately I am more free to love than ever I was in my youth. Oh, I loved but it wasn't love. It was more psychological masturbation that focused on self and how the other made one feel. If this is still a foreign language to you, regardless of your physical age, there's nothing more I can tell you. If, on the other hand, you have relatively few physical years but some understanding of the selfishness of what we call love, no explanation is necessary. When I was a younger man being a nice guy wasn't something to be worn with pride. Being sweet was probably even worse. Somehow it was lacking the necessary testosterone to embrace readily. On the other hand, if it gave us a chance to score sexually, well hell, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. When the testosterone finally begins to diminish and reason is allowed to arise everything begins to change. Though it may seem repugnant to us early on it is welcome later. It's like death I suppose. One of the most astounding things I ever read in the Bible was, And in those days men will seek death and will not find it; they will long to die and death flees from them (Rev. 9:6). That's scary if you get it. I don't mean scary in a fearful way but rather in an awe inspiring way that can only come from a deep understanding of life.

    Yes, I can be sweet now. I'm able to be a fool without feeling as ashamed about it. It's okay to be soft and yielding without suffering a loss of face or manhood. There's a shift that occurs inside us if we did it right. The shift is from an outer, five senses centered life to an inner centered life that exists with an entirely different set of values. I like it. Oh, that doesn't mean I'm thrilled about dragging around this broken body that was abused and battered by the insanity of my youth. What it does mean is that at this point in the journey the scales have tipped and the balance is bearable. I know it won't always be like this and one day I will welcome death with an open heart and a smile on my face. The Grim Reaper will be someone I will welcome, if I've done it right. What is it I want to say? Nothing really. Just that I am enjoying being able to be more vulnerable and available.


  • Reminders
    People who have children have reminders running around all the time. Even if they don't see them often after they are grown and living lives of their own. Having no children has never bothered me. On the other hand there are a number of people who have told me I was their first spiritual teacher. That makes me kind of cringe when I hear it. It's not that I don't respect the person's perception or memory. It's more like I cringe at the reminder of my falling shorts. Yeah, I said it that way on purpose. If I don't laugh at it once in a while I'd cry and it's not good to cry all the time. Today I looked up someone from my past on facebook and found him. I've had NO luck finding people on facebook. Either I can't remember their full name or I just can't remember. Having lived in and worked in many different places and known quite a few people over the years makes for a number of memories. Not all of them are good. The thing about hindsight is that you're looking from who you are now, not who you were then. You're looking at who you were then and if you've been even partly diligent about a spiritual path who you are when you're looking back is very different from who you are looking at across the years. All the rationale is available to me. You were young, you did your best, no one is perfect and all the other things that sound like blah, blah, blah, blah, blaaah. You have to read that with the right meter. If you're not musical you may have missed it. It's not that I regret my life. I don't. I don't like how I treated people in the past. To think about it is painful to me and I don't care to become calloused to avoid the pain. My spiritual training reminds me to let it be and remain equanimous. Man, I'm tryin'.

    The fellow I found on facebook was someone I'd met shortly after moving to California in 1975. His girlfriend brought him to one of my meetings and he kept coming back. We became friends and shared many wonderful times together. We supported each other through hard times and rejoiced with each other during happy times. He's the one reminded me today that I was his first spiritual teacher. Another person from the same time period had said the same thing some years ago. Fortunately, she had treated me worse than I had treated her so I had no lingering memories of things I needed to clean up with her. All I needed to do was tell her I loved her. Not so with the guy today. I did get to tell him that I thought of him often and loved him always. Then there was the apology that he graciously accepted. He didn't remember me treating him in the same way I remembered. How could he? He doesn't live inside my mind and heart. I do. Perhaps some of what I taught those many years ago made an impact on him. He is forgiving and I can't think of anything I would like people to learn more than that. It says about everything because you have to see who you are first before you can easily forgive. It's a matter of being willing to consider the other person with your own imperfections in mind. For a long time it seemed to me I was forgiving and when it comes to other people I probably am. At least much more forgiving of them than I am of myself. Sound familiar? I know I'm not the only one. There's an army of us out here.

    Please don't see this as a fishing expedition. Nothing you can say about me is going to change my mind about me. As our dear friend, Popeye used to say, I yam what I yam. Part of this spiritual path is to learn to know yourself. It wasn't that long ago I thought I did know myself. Boy, was I ever wrong. Another thing he said at which I cringed was, you're the guy who tells it like it is. During my afternoon meditation that came up and I heard that voice in my head that I used to call me say, God I'm so sick of myself. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? I don't mean somebody famous or rich or important. Not someone else like that. Just not you, or better yet, no one. I want to be nobody, nothing, no self because all I can see that a self does is separate itself from others and cause pain and needless misery. The horror of it is that we don't really have to do anything to cause all the misery. The whole idea that we're not one is pretty miserable. If it sounds like I'm whinging, well, maybe I am a little. What I think I'm trying to do is process this so I can get on with my life. It would also be nice if you thought about it a little and then maybe thought it would be a good idea for you to be a little more loving, forgiving and generous.

James

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