October 21, 2008

  • Twisted
    This morning I was reading over at queenie's place when I came across this: I do not hold grudges or ever stay pissed. This is about 99% true. I swear. Ask my kids, it freaks them out. No, I'm not going to ask her kids I'm going to believe her because I want to. It's something I really admire. Then I started to think about that quality and me. Yeah, I think I'm like that. There's just not much evidence lying around the kitchen to prove it. So I did a quick mental inventory to see where it was lying around. The quick mental inventory started to take a little longer than I thought it should. No matter where I looked, up, down, over there or under the bed, evidence was not in plain view. Unfortunately there's a reason for that. I'm not like that. I just think I am because I admire the quality and want to be that way. It's kind of a shock to have to admit that I'm not who I thought I was. It's even worse when you feel like you have to write it down for a few other people to see. That's how I felt. Like I needed to write it down, admit it to other people. What does it feel like? I'm glad you asked because I really want to tell you. Remember the scene in the Wizard of Oz where the Wicked Witch of the West sets Scarecrow on fire? Dorothy picks up a bucket of water and tosses it to put the fire out. The overflow hit the Wicked Witch. She started to smoke and shrivel while she moaned, I'm melting.

    It feels like that. Inside I'm moaning and melting, getting smaller and weaker. I really don't like the feeling. Then why am I standing here under the shower? Because I want to be like queenie is and never hold grudges or stay pissed. Now that I think about it, I don't usually stay pissed. That could be hooey too for all I know. No, it's true. There's evidence. One thing leads to another though and I've just discovered that I do stay hurt, which is almost as bad, in my opinion. The thing is if I continue to imagine that I am like that I will also continue to stay blind to the way I really am. Though that may feel better than melting it's that kind of twisted pretzel logic that stands in the way of changing for the better. Staying with the Steely Dan reference it's as if there's a monkey in my soul and it does things that I don't want it to do. The logic is that if I stand here in the light of consciousness and let it be, the monkey in my soul will diminish. The Wicked Witch that does what I don't want to do will melt away.

    If I can see it I don't have to be it. I don't really know how not to be hurt when people do things that hurt. That shouldn't matter since I don't know how I beat my heart, digest my food, grow my hair or move my muscles. If I can keep the light of consciousness on this thing in me that I don't want, it can't operate without me knowing it. Since I don't want it, when I see it, I won't let it do what it does. We are complex creatures with twisted paths leading deep and far into our hidden world of thoughts and feelings. It really is what we don't know about ourselves that can hurt us and others. I don't know how queenie got that way. What I do know is I want to be that way and I'm willing to melt to get there.

Comments (24)

  • I don't know how not to be hurt either. As for grudges, yep, I have them, and probably always will. I'm not sure there's enough time left in my life to get all that I wish was different about me fixed like it should be. For sure I have a list...but grudges are not as high on it as a lot of other things I do.

  • When I was young I perfected the art of holding a grudge. I could hold it until I seethed with anger and my eyes spit fire. It was nice letting all that go. Now I am surprised if I hold a grudge for more than 24 hours. In fact, when I'm doing my business in the loo, I think of what goes down the turlet as my grudge or resentment. Quite a visual dont you think?

  • @sean808080 - 

    Graphic is good. Thanks.

  • Interesting, I do hold grudges, not for long tho. I have a long memory for injustices, so I guess I do hold grudges. Another thing on my list of to do's!~ to get rid of!

  • @mad_cow_diaries - 

    If you find out how to get rid of it don't keep it to yourself. Inquiring minds want to know.

  • Well, I am glad you chose that particular thing to point out, I have a whole pocket of less inspiring ones to choose from. Thanks James.

  • @queenie - 

    It takes no effort whatsoever to point out less inspiring aspects of a fellow human being's makeup. You're not so bad. Unless it was you who killed Snap, Crackle and Pop, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun and the Trix Rabbit. That would make you an infamous and heinous cereal killer.

  • I don't stay pissed off for long, but not because I've mastered some way to avoid it... more because I don't have the energy required to sustain it.  Being pissed off requires a great deal of energy, you know.  I could spare more when I was younger, for the anger & temper tantrums.  Not so much any more.

    As for grudges.  I hold on to those tight.  I may forgive a transgression, but I will never forget it. 

  • That line of Queenie's was a great one, wasn't it? I cracked up when I first read it, and again now.

    I've learned a lot from my "fully present" guys. They don't know how to hold a grudge. They take everything at face value and if someone says they didn't mean it, OK, they didn't mean it. They are too busy having a good time to worry so much about that kind of thing. They are full of zest for living and enjoy the littlest things that sometimes I mistake for being too silly. But they know the secret to living and I love them dearly for lifting my serious soul.

    This is an inspiring post! "If I can see it I don't have to be it." I love that line. And of course, I think it's very cool that you focused on a quality of one of my bestest friends--who herself has more than once helped me get perspective on what really matters: relationships. connections. That's why she doesn't/can't stay upset. I don't know if you know that she introduced me to Xanga and yes she is an amazing person. Come visit us!

  • My mother and brother are grudge holders. I actually have to be reminded of stupid stuff done in the past to relieve the unpleasant moment BUT I must admit I do try to learn from my own (and others') stupid stuff. I don't have time to hold a grudge as life passes too quickly in my arena and I have to move with it. Great topic!

  • I may not stay pissed long but the hurt does indeed remain way to long I'm afraid. Can't say I carry a grudge, but haven't looked about lately to see if any are laying about.

  • Wasn't the Grudge the Dr. Seuss character who stole Christmas?

    I don't know about a monkey in the soul but we all have two monkeys and a dragon in our minds, the monkeys corresponding to the two frontal lobes and the dragon, roughly, to the midbrain. They constantly fight for control between themselves but the left frontal monkey is nominally in charge most of the time. All three of them can demonstrate multiple personalities but one of the dragon personalities manifests when we're highly emotional or intoxicated.

    The monkey in your soul, that I say is a multi-headed dragon, may not diminish but can be lulled to sleep by rational thought processes we develop as we mature. He may not manifest often, but he is still undiminished. The ones I call monkeys are perfectly capable of mischief on their own, too.

    By the way, my first sentence, the question, is designed to manifest the right-hand monkey by forcing you to solve a logical puzzle.

  • Last grudge I had led me to run for a seat on the board of directors for our local community college district.  I lost, but I know for a fact it pissed more than a few people off.  It was the best 200 bucks I've ever spent to get on the ballot.  Revenge is sweet....And I do believe in payback.  It may not be me who delivers the blow, but the universe has a way of balancing itself.  Maybe that's why I got a tree on my house, but it doesn't much explain why my neighbor suffered the same fate from my tree. 

  • @WordJames - 

    I suspect that the Grudge stole a lot more than Christmas. *smile* If it's not lions and tigers and bears it's monkeys and dragons. Something tells me it's all happening at the zoo. We are not a unity of being no matter what we call the various facets of what we call ourselves. Thanks, James. Always pleasure to have your thoughtful input.

  • @rideuponthewindagain - 

    I don't find revenge to be sweet but it may be the way I've reconditioned my mind. I simply cannot allow it in myself. I have a friend who is very fond of saying, Revenge is a dish best served cold. As he has matured I think he would like to leave that bit of acquired insanity behind him. One of my heroes, Mahatma Gandhi, is credited with saying, If we practice an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless. He also said, The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. I have been able to verify, through personal experience, that it takes more strength to forgive than it does to retaliate.

  • @spinner_mom - 

    I've been thinking about that very thing. The conclusion to which I've come is that my pride and vanity are easily injured and slow to let go. In other words, I think more of myself than I ought.

  • One thing I have noticed...I don't hold grudges as much because my memory isn't as good as it used to be. I simply forget what I was grudging...lol

  • @MitziRenee - 

    Makes a lot of sense to me! *smile*

  • @James - Is running for a "public" office retaliation?  Indeed, you have no inkling of what I suffered at the hands of some of the goons at the college district.  My revenge would have been better served had I actually been elected to the board and held the administration's feet to the fire to make some real changes at their college.  Since the college hired a new Chancellor in 2007, 4 out of 5 of the five colleges associated with the district have lost their presidents - they saw the writing on the wall that they had no future with the district.  Good!  Four down and one to go!  For the most part I support the new chancellor, and have tried to engender a friendshiip, of sorts.  Of course, he's brining in his own "team" with whom he's worked in the past.  Pretty funny.

    Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.  Ever heard that?  If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em, eh?  I can find forgiveness, but I don't have to reward injustice.  Nor support it.

  • @rideuponthewindagain - 

    I suppose why one runs for public office would determine whether or not it was retaliation. You're right. I have no way of knowing what you suffered at the hands of anyone. Suffering is a part of life. Adding our own misery to that inevitable suffering isn't necessary.

    Yes, I've heard the saying. I would never suggest that you or anyone else reward injustice. What I do suggest is that people make sure they do what they do from the highest possible space within themselves.

  • "What I do suggest is that people make sure they do what they do from the highest possible space within themselves"

    And please explain what exactly that is supposed to mean. ...

  • Hi James--I'm rather like you in that I don't hold grudges, but I don't do well on getting over hurts. And in the last year, I've developed the nasty habit of telling people directly when they've hurt me. I can attest that it doesn't go down well, at least not in my experience. Three people are not speaking to me because I told them how I felt. Didn't argue, didn't yell or accuse. I just told them what they did or did not do hurt my feelings. So much for that experiment! I have a favorite quote from the YaYa Sisterhood. "I like to take a problem and chew on it until it loses all its flavor. Then I stick it in my hair!" Well, I wish that wasn't how I am with hurts, but unfortunately, it seems I am. (Actually, it feels like I keep picking at a scab and keep it from healing.) I don't want to be that way. Actually, I don't want to get hurt feelings at all. I would love to be so ethereal that I no longer felt the stings. [checking] Nope, not there yet!

  • @Ella_Mental - 

    Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been accused of transcending all this but it always looks that way to an outsider who doesn't know snow cones from shinola. *smile*

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