April 15, 2009

• Malaise
  

  Usually spring is my time of year. Over the past forty years I've kept a journal. It was a good discipline to adopt. Today I can peek back into my personal history and see the cycles of repetition ordinarily hidden from our awareness. Whether that is a good thing or not will depend on what you want. If you want to be more aware of anything you must first be willing to be more aware of yourself. Sounds cool until we start to look under the hood and find we're not quite as wonderful/horrible as we thought. Wonderful/horrible is really the same thing but I'm not going to try to explain that here. Either you get it or you don't. Think about it. It's not easy to become aware of ourselves. The short version is what we call I casts a shadow which makes it difficult to see what we're really like, objectively. After all, we're looking with what we call I and that's not inclined to see things that It doesn't want to see about Itself.

  This spring has been different. Last spring something popped in my consciousness leaving me in an exhilarating state. It was as if I was insulated from life in the most wonderful way. I had the choice to consciously respond to events or to observe the usual patterns of reaction that eat up a lifetime. Being able to observe them in this insulated state made it possible to not do things that I would have normally done and regretted. We know better and act worse. Blah, blah, blah. That's really all it is unless you have the experience. You see, it's all blah, blah, blah to me now because I'm not in that state. I can remember it, talk about it, tell you about it and not be in it. On one level that really sucks. Thus the malaise of which I speak. I'll make it easy for you. Malaise-a general feeling of discomfort, illness, or uneasiness whose exact cause is difficult to identify. I'm healthy, comfortable and at ease in the physical realm. My needs are met, my life is enviably good. If that's all there was to contentment I'd be as happy as a pig in slop on a planet where they didn't eat bacon. For some folks who've never experienced extended periods of physical well being this would be bliss--for a while. There's a hole is us that duct tape won't fix.

  So, what to do when this isn’t it? The answer is accept it but sometimes that's not as easily done as it is said. Why? Obviously because I have expectations of spring, of myself, of the Universe that's supposed to be conspiring to drag me into the Light of Self-awareness. Dum, dum, dum, duuuuummmm. This is it! This is as good as it gets right now! The truth is that if I were willing to accept this right now moment and let it stand alone, apart from my expectations, desires, thoughts and feelings it would be perfect. But noooooo, I'm not going to do that until I've suffered enough. How much is enough? That's easy. Enough is when I say so. Why won't I say so? I must still be working out some of the drama queen history of this life I'm experiencing. You see, I come from Irish roots and we Irish love our drama. At least the Irish family from which I came simmered in high drama. A holiday was not allowed to pass without some high drama involving drinking, fighting, screwing, blood and police. May this be the last cycle of drama withdrawal for me. Ah, there it is! Now I can fly because I've found my happy thought. Already I can feel my soul soar above the mind and its intricate web of sticky thoughts and feelings it uses to ensnare us and keep us repeating our drama based history of ordinary crap. Thank you for reading, or not reading. It worked. I looked at it, told the truth about it, accepted it and watched it drop away. Who rocks?
  

  • 12:34 pm
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