May 26, 2009

• Chess
  

  Chess is not fun. Not for me anyway. Would it be too much to say that no board game I've ever played has been fun? It's sounds final but I honestly can't remember ever having anything that approached consistent fun while playing a board game of any kind. Chess, checkers, Chinese checkers, backgammon, stratego, monopoly. There are probably more but I've blotted them out so I don't have to think about them. If I don't think about them I don't have to feel stupid. I don't like feeling stupid. Not that anyone does. What's really stupid is that I don't give up for long. I can't count the number of books I've read about chess strategies, games, moves, history and whatever else. If I can't win it's not fun and the only one who lets me win is Buddy Love because he loves me and that's all the fun he cares about. On the other hand he's not a very attentive player so winning isn't really fun with him either. It's not like I want to crush another person in a game. I just want to be able to win and know how I won. If I ever win at chess it's almost an accident most of the time. The rest of the time it was because the person I was playing was less able to handle the concept than I. Trust me, there haven't been very many of those. Even though I feel stupid when I play chess I have this thought that I'm not really stupid. At least not at everything. Some things I do very well. Not genius in anything I've ever found, well, except maybe talking. Sometimes when I edit a Podcast I've made I marvel at what the guy talking said. It seems brilliant because I never thought to say that. Hell, I didn't even know I knew that until I heard myself say it. Then it seems very clear. I'm probably not the only one who thinks that because I get emails from people around the world who seem to agree.

  Is it possible to be stupid and still be able to do something well? What's an idiot savant? That's really a rude label but it's all I know. What the French really were saying was learned idiot. According to the dictionary an idiot is a stupid person. So, an idiot savant is a stupid person who displays brilliance in a specific area, especially one involving memory. When I think about it I don't really mind being stupid because I like me better than I ever have. Even if I am stupid I'm a lot more kind than ever I've been. Consistently. It takes a lot of brilliance to be consistently kind. At least it does for me. Perhaps some people are born kinder than others just like some people seem to be born with a better chess mind than others. Chess reminds me of math. I always felt stupid about math too. When I was in Guatemala learning to speak Spanish I felt stupid almost all the time. Every time a child spoke Spanish better than I did I'd mentally abuse myself. Well, some voice in my head verbally abused me. It wasn't me. How do I know that? It kept calling me you. You idiot! You're so stupid. You'll never get it. What's wrong with you? Your father was right about you. It might just as easily have been some teacher's name from school instead of your father.

  My strategy is to not sweat being stupid because smart isn't really all that great when it comes to the things that really matter in life. I've known some very smart people. Unfortunately, for one reason or another, they weren't very nice. Some of them were, but they were the minority by a wide margin. Think Enron and the smartest guys in the room. Those guys were not nice people. Politicians are smart (ick), or so they say. My dog is stupid. He's probably the dumbest dog I've ever known but I love him more than any dog I can remember because he's got a good heart. He doesn't seem to mind being stupid as long as he can love and loving seems to make him happy. He loves everybody. If a stranger came around and invited him to go on a walk he'd go, wagging his tail the whole time. He doesn't know about how people can be. He just loves them unconditionally. When I grow up I want to be like my dog.
  

  • 8:08 pm
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