What hinders that free flow? I seem to have the idea and the desire to manifest it. What prevents it? Small, petty grievances are the most obvious. Feeling I haven't been properly treated or that someone else has behaved in an unseemly manner. Which is just another way of saying I feel like I'm better than they. Once I've cast myself as superior I find it easier to forget I too have erred. Even if I remember my errors I remember with all the reasons why my errors were understandable, justified. This leads me to express judgment and condemnation instead of compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Notice how the list keeps growing? At first it was just compassion. Then I added forgiveness. Now I need understanding too. And this is how it goes. More and more effort is required to be who and what I wish while less and less is necessary to follow the common trend. Let's face it. If compassion was natural the world very likely wouldn't look the way it does today. How does it look? Well, let's just say there's a lot could do with mending. I want today to be a day in which I have more compassion for others. If I have to make strides forward with both forgiveness and understanding to have that I suppose I'll just have to put forth the effort. There doesn't seem to be anything else for it. What say you?

None of this means I didn't give. I tried to find other, unique ways to give that supported the kinds of things in which I was interested. The Podcasts are a good example. I give them freely and ask nothing in return. But, upon closer inspection, I find the
painful truth is I'm selfish. Selfish, not cheap. I spend
money on me any time I wish. It's spending on others that sticks in my craw. Others put up the money to make the Podcasts possible. I don't mind doing all the work, just don't ask me to spend my money directly. Within me there is an extremely strong aversion to such giving. This is beginning to read like True Confessions and that is not my purpose. The reason I wanted to talk about Christmas giving is because I wanted to give something to you. Mass giving is difficult because not everyone likes leopard skin thongs or Converse sneakers. Not everyone likes Christmas, the Christmas story, Christians and all that they associate with Christmas. Even now I still don't like to confuse giving with the horse trading so prevalent this time of year.

Since my intention is not to give offense, it had to be something people could take or leave anonymously. A Christmas story I have treasured for over thirty years was written by my friend and teacher, who has since died. Because the story elicits powerful positive emotion for me I wish to share it with those for whom I care. But I don't want to just point you to a place where you can read it. So, I've recorded myself reading the story. My hope is you will at least enjoy it. My wish is that it will elicit in you a strong positive emotion. As we are all different, neither of those things may happen. Such is life. My reward has already been enjoyed. It was fun to do. My wife participated by designing the page as a kind of Christmas card. Here's a link to the page where you may listen to the recording. You'll want to have your speakers turned on because it will play automatically. If you're savvy enough you may download it as well. May we all learn better what giving really is.

One of the things I'm learning is that people take what isn't given pretending it was offered. For example, I've given offense from time to time and meant to do it. But I've got to confess that some folks have always thought I'm much brighter than I've ever been, though I do hope to be brighter some day. They've taken offense where none was given or intended. I was just being myselves, which, of course, we've already established can be pretty stupid. But that's what I mean by an honest mistake. Ignorance isn't an excuse it's a fact of life. We've all got some and I've got some more. Not that it's a contest. Who'd want to win an ignorance contest? What's that you say? You know some people who would? Well, I'm sure it looks that way sometimes but I doubt it will be an Olympic event any time soon. Over the course of six years, thousands of people have come and gone here in xangadu. I've known hundreds and hundreds of them. Literally scores have taken offense but I can only think of a few that didn't steal it from me when I wasn't looking. Also, I can think of scores of people from whom I've stolen offense when none was given or intended. What was I thinking? Was I worried about an offense shortage and felt the need to hoard it? Or is this just another example of my abundant ignorance? Yeah, I thought so.

What can one say to those who have taken offense when none was given? I'm sorry you took offense? Oh, yeah, that would be great wouldn't it? They're all ready pissed off because they think you gave them something they took without asking. Now you're going to tell them you're sorry they did it to themselves? Think about the state of mind you're in when you're out there taking offense from people. It's not a pretty picture is it? Once we're negative it colors everything comes into our line of sight giving it the same pallor and stench. It's like the law suits we see from time to time where someone breaks into another's house to steal their stereo or tv or whatever. They fall down the stairs carrying the tv to their van and sue the people who own the house for leaving a trip hazard on the stairs. And win! It's that state of mind. This morning I took Connie to the airport before dawn. We had to leave a light on in the event someone broke into the house to steal our stuff while I was gone. We didn't want to be sued because the thief couldn't see where he was going and injured himself. Oh, did I just give offense? No, it had to be taken that time. What? You don't get it? Let me explain it to you. Someone could steal offense because I said he instead of he/she referring to the imaginary thief. If I now said the person doing it was a nitwit, that would be offering offense and they wouldn't have to steal it. Notice they also wouldn't have to take it. What? There's a choice? Well, not so fast there. Only if you're conscious. So, stick around, there's something for everyone. By the way, it's kind of comical that people think enough of themselves to think I'm thinking about them when I write. It happens, but it's so rare I can pretty safely say, Stop stealing from me!

What is the commercial thrust of Thanksgiving? Well, the slang for it is Turkey Day if that gives you a clue. A lot of turkeys are sold along with pumpkin pies, sweet potatoes and whatever else has become traditional cuisine for this season. There are probably a number of people offended that so many turkeys lose their lives around this time of year. It doesn't thrill me but I'm more into the spirit of the holiday. Gratitude. Grateful people, in my experience, tend to be nicer people. After the September eleven tragedy in New York City people were temporarily nicer. The crime rate dropped dramatically as the mass of nameless, faceless people became living, breathing, dying, suffering, human beings with whom we could relate on some primal level. A lot of people were grateful to be alive and to have their loved ones alive in the face of so much death and destruction so close to home. Our first thoughts were of how to help people. It was only later, after the gratitude began to wane, that we had the energy to prosecute a war and ethnic group. Gratitude is a powerful state of mind that reflects an expanded state of consciousness. When people are angry and hateful they're not open, relaxed and flexible. They're also not grateful. They're feeling owed and in the mood to collect.

There's something about death and tragedy reminds us of our mortality and humbles us. It's interesting how big people become when they feel their genuine smallness in the universe. It's as if we shrink in size in an outer way and grow proportionally in an inner way. We have more room in our hearts for other people. Especially if we begin to see how much we have in common in our smallness, powerlessness and lack of control over global forces. But Thanksgiving is a day that gives us the opportunity to give ourselves a conscious shock rather than a tragic shock. We can take this time to remind ourselves what a gift life is and how fortunate we are to be able to enjoy breathing, feeling and thinking. I'm not one for comparing myself with people who have less than I so I can feel grateful. It takes a bit more effort sometimes to look for all the little things I've come to take for granted but it's an effort well spent. Each year at this time I like to make a list of things for which I have to be grateful. Each year I like to have the list expanded compared to previous years. I've been encouraging people for thirty-six years to make such a list. Try it. You might just find that in the process of making the list you begin to generate an attitude of gratitude that propels you into an expanded state of consciousness that brings with it a peace and joy that we don't normally enjoy. Happy Thanksgiving!

Is there no hope? Are we all doomed to continually repeat the mistakes of history until we finally slip over the line and turn the globe to ash? Why yes, yes we are. All of us are doomed as long as we continue to move like a herd of wildebeests. The only ones who can free themselves are the ones who realize it is up to the individual and stop waiting for the herd to turn around and go the other way. But it's not enough to simply turn around and move in the opposite direction. One must know in what direction to move. Ah, finally! We've come full circle and we're back to secrets. You have to know the special handshake to pass beyond this point. This is what many power brokers would have you believe but I don't think that knowledge is a secret. It's just hard as hell to put into practice, takes more effort than the average bear is willing to exert and has a goal which is just out of our line of sight. But here's the deal. You can do better or you can do worse today. If you do nothing you're traveling with the herd. Though it gives us a sense of belonging and safety ultimately it's a big repetitive circle. But what you do right now can alter the course of your life if you take the first step and continue to make the right kind of effort. And what kind of effort is that? The effort that leads away from fear and toward its opposite.

The point? There's supposed to be a point? I thought this was xanga. The point is life isn't like that. It's not nice. It does sting and sometimes it has to be cauterized whether we like it or not. I didn't like my Dad much that day, but he sure knew his stuff when it came to treating battle wounds. He'd had plenty of practice during the Second World War. To his mind there was no sense in adding the misery of panic to the misery of pain because it just increased your suffering. Now my Dad could be a real jerk who caused a tremendous amount of pain and suffering to those around him. Useless, unnecessary pain and suffering at that. But he also had many wonderful talents and virtues. It took me more years than I care to remember to be able to see the many good things he'd given me in life. I'd focused on the Melvin in him and missed what Verdell had been able to see. Verdell saw right through Melvin and that wasn't easy because Melvin had thrown Verdell down the trash shoot one day. But we're not dogs are we? No. Too bad when you think about it. We might find it easier to be happy if we were more like dogs. Sometimes I forget the xanga rules of never saying anything worth the pixels it takes to display it. Some folks think I can be harsh. And I'm sure I can. But you know what? That's not all of me. In fact, it's probably a very small part of me. I'm not being harsh I'm making the most objective observations of which I am capable. Yes, it takes some effort to do that and it takes some effort to read it. It's not that the Bactine stings so much as it is we've got wounds that are sensitive. Stop blaming the Bactine.

Where some see something sad, spooky or scary I see potential. It's not that I don't see the tragedy of our condition. I'm well aware of it. After all, I've lived with it up close and personal for a few decades now. But it's the hope of using the speaker as a microphone and possibly connecting with something in an android's internal world that fans the ember to a flame in me. Who knows? Maybe that flame will create a spark that will cross the imaginary space between you and me and set you alight as well. It could happen. Some people have within them a psychological flammable material. It often manifests in an inner longing for something more from life than the entanglements we accept in place of relationships. The temporary gratification we feel from things before their sting leaves its painful impression on us. There is more to life than what we find at the surface where we spend the majority of our time. When we go deeper the meaning of each and ever thing on the surface is radically changed. Life begins to be transformed by the new understanding we garner as we sound our own inner depths. There is more to life than what we have yet experienced. So much more that what we have now is little more than the twisted shadow of a much finer reality. And it only takes a small spark to start a blaze big enough to engulf an entire forest.

The problem isn't so much how suggestible or influenceable we are, but how ignorant we are. Our ignorance of the influences under which we come lead us to all kinds of avoidable pain and suffering. We're going to be influenced. It's the way it is. We can take a pleasure trip down that great Egyptian river if we wish but it won't alter the facts. What river? Denial. Our choice, if we earn any choice at all, is in which influences we are able to pass under. We're far too much like a fish which has been netted and hauled out of the water. It flips and flops in an effort to get itself back into the water before it perishes from lack of oxygen. Most of us have about as much choice. I know, that stings a bit if you see it, but most can't see it. They just continue to raft the Egyptian river imagining they are the captain of their vessel. But for the few willing to open their minds just a little and look at themselves, a view begins to unfold that is at first quite terrifying. But later, with practice, one is able to observe the show with a sense of humor. If you can't laugh at yourself this is an unpleasant planet indeed. There are higher influences and lower influences in life. It's why we're admonished to choose our friends wisely. They influence us as we are influencing them. I reckon we can talk about ethereal fluids some other time because we've run out of space here this time.