June 23, 2009

• Identity

  It's an interesting word. All at the same time the word is scary, sexy, ugly and funny. If I were to think more about it I'm confident more descriptors would bubble up from wherever these musing come. The first thing about the word is the I part. This could be the most used word in our language. Certainly it's the most used word in our internal dialogue. *digression mode on* Why does the spell checker built into xanga want to underline dialogue in red? Is it too much for it's limited little brain to process? Are real words and their proper spelling no longer necessary in the New Xangadu? Is this just an oversight or is it a divine message from the beings atop Mount Xangus? You there! You who write using the archaic English of yesteryear. Why are you screwing with our New Xanga? Halt! Before I digress further I will share the secret of this essay with you, dear reader. Notice please that I use the singular, reader, because I am not using the collective you. There is only one reader. I am he at the moment. Perhaps you will be the reader but I don't know if anyone will read this far here in the New Xanga. *digression mode off* Internally the word I is so familiar that we don't notice it anymore, like our sight or hearing or some other faculty we take for granted. It's always been there. It will always be there. It has faded into the background of life. It's place to be taken by whatever thought, feeling or event has captured our attention for the moment. I is a scary word because we use it so unconsciously. With the word we allow our feeling of self to enter into things. I feel, I think, I want. What I? It's like the king's ring with which we seal our own fate and bind ourselves to some passing feeling, thought or fleeting desire. The ring falls into the hands of the court jester or some other I in us and they do with it as seems best to them in the moment. Then it's snatched away from that one by another where he or it becomes king for the moment. Once we have said I to it we are duty bound to defend it, protect it and ward off all opposition to it because it bears the king's seal.

  The next bit in identity is dent. A dent is a slight hollow in a hard, even surface made by a blow or by the exertion of pressure. As a verb, dent can mean, have an adverse effect on; diminish. Hmmm, when we say I to some passing thought, feeling or desire are we diminishing ourselves by attaching some invisible part of ourselves to the impermanent form? What self? Walt Whitman said, Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. Is the king diminished by the misuse of his ring? Perhaps not directly but his reputation may be damaged. It might be disastorous to fall on a word like identity. It has sharp points like a picket fence. Perhaps when we use the word I and connect ourselves to something, idea or feeling it is like falling on one's own sword. Something to consider. We won't though, not for any amount of time. Not because we don't wish to do so but because we are so feeble and distracted, so weak in whatever faculty may be involved with concentration. I do not mean having our attention captured by something outside ourselves but rather the ability to direct and hold our attention on something, either within or in the outer world. We imagine we can direct our attention. That's all can be said about that because it's something we must discover for ourselves. It's difficult to discover this when we are certain we direct our attention and it's rarely out of our direct control.

  The Old Xanga was much different from the New Xanga. It was a frontier town back in 1999. The New Xanga has moved far beyond the Jetsons now into some strange science fiction world where the inhabitants, their customs and language are different. Its identity has shifted with its population. This is not a lament. Everything changes, nothing remains the same for long. As with most other things they are either in the process of being constructed or destructed. From one perspective the New Xanga may not be an improvement. To know its purpose would help us to know if it was fulfilling its design. Before we, the Old Xangans, knew of its true aim we had a purpose for it. It was a community of people who wished to write and share what they wrote with others and get feedback from those others. We wanted to read what others wrote and share our input with them as well. The beings atop Mount Xangus had another design and purpose for Xanga that slowly emerged over the years. To make money. It was an idea in which people were willing to invest their time and money to get back a financial increase. Nothing wrong with that. The idealistic writers who came to Xanga to practice their passion took little thought of it financially because it was free. Another of those misleading words. There were those who were more practical and began discussing the possibility of a different goal than the one we assumed even before there was advertising and paid-for-features. In the beginning it was a level playing field where your personality and ability to ply it were all that caused you to stand apart from the masses. Jason writes that he's considering jumping back into this Xanga game. It's a whole new game and most of the old players have either retired or moved to other teams. Those of us who may remain are much less visible and active than we were in the old game. Jason would be a welcome addition to my little xanga.

  UPDATE-O: It appears the reason the xanga spell checker underlined dialouge in red was because I was a dork and transposed the u and g misspelling the word. I was so focused on the new spelling of the word (dialog) that I made a boo boo, typo, whatever-o. Do I feel like an ass? No. I feel fortunate to know someone who was clever enough to find it and kindly point it out to me. I have learned something, though as yet I'm not certain what it is, but I sense it's important. *smile*

  • 4:46 pm
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